Ok… so in almost exactly 24 hours, I will be in the hospital… this is extremely worrying for me… I’m not one that looks forward to anything medical, especially not when it comes to hospitals. I know I am in good hands, my surgeon is the best there is, and I know, deep down inside (very deep) that I will come out of this better than fine… and even though I know this, I am still… worried. I guess I am a worrier at heart, I get this from my mom, who worries about everything too.
For me, when I start to worry, there is no stopping it, it just comes, and it comes in like strong wind on a sea, determined to knock over any boats in its way, and drown anyone who happens to be on the boat. These turbulent seas of my emotions have reminded me of something my amazing pastor said in Church the other day (Don’t worry, I’m not going crazy religious on you, this message just spoke to me in a way I have rarely had something speak to me before). Mark 4:35-41 talks about Jesus calming the sea of Galilee… and that is very important to me right now, because my emotions, my world, it’s a sea right now.
Even if it is metaphorical (and in all reality, it probably is metaphorical) it is a very good example of my life right now… I know that if I put my faith not only in my Implant team, but also in myself, my family, my Deaf Community, and my Church community, I will come off the boat just fine. Its not that I don’t have faith, its just that my world is turning upside down, and I’m not sure which way is up, and which is down. Where the sea stops and where the air starts. I am… in a little bit of a crisis. I am so thankful for the people around me who are here to support me, my friends, my family, my church, my work. Even when they are not near me, no matter if they be in California like my parents, Oregon like my friend Rachel, or Even miss Mog in Canada, I am so thankful for their support, their love, their encouragement.
I am also very amazingly thankful for my implant team. An event today has shown me I am in wonderful hands. Its no secret that surgery is scary, its no secret that when you have to wait for surgery, your brain likes to play tricks on you, and it is no secret that I can be a very emotional person. Destiny from Rocky Mountain Ear Center has shown me today how wonderful my team really is, and how they actually care about the whole person, not just their cochleas or ability (or in many cases there, inability) to hear. I received an email from her today, reminding me to breath, reminding me that Dr. Kelsall has done this thousands of time, and that he is the best Surgeon out there, reminding me that I will be fine. She also told me she will check up on me tomorrow morning before I head in, just to remind me again. That alone tells me that I am in wonderful hands, but then she also added that if I needed to talk, or if I needed ANYTHING, just to email her, and she will respond. I have so many rocks to anchor me in this turbulent sea… and I am thankful.
Tomorrow I go under, tomorrow I come out someone slightly different physically, but just the same mentally as I went in, tomorrow, I take a huge step in my journey. I am sure I am on the right path for myself, even when the path seems scary, dark or turbulent, I need to keep my eye on the end. In 24 hours I will be at the hospital, having surgery, and in 2 weeks from now, two weeks from today, I will have my first glimpse of what life with a Cochlear Implant will be like.